Lana Del Rey will sell anything. That' s why she's the greatest artist of all time: She knows how to ALWAYS BE CLOSING [DEALS]. So far, she's sold handbags, cars, crunchy taco shells, children's books, coffee, Vitamin Water Powerade Punch Mountain Dew, and even life insurance. In this new ad, she is 'selling shit for Jaguar.' I wonder if she was paid in money or just Jaguar cars.

Unfortunately, she looks as tacky as one of those spoiled skanks on 'My Super Sweet 16.' Similarly, she had a rich daddie who probably spoiled her too.

Not sure if I'm gonna buy a Jaggyooar.

Here she is performing some crappy b-side that she probably sold to them for 7 figures. They have money to waste, props 2 Lana for making them give it 2 her.

R u gonna buy a Jag?
Are Jags for 'Eurotrash' ppl?
Is Lana Del Rey'effing annoying'?
Does she have any brand Loyalty, or is she just trying to steal as much $$$$$ as possible?
Should she be ashamed of herself, or is she #BANKING?

Lana BB! IS that u? i can hardely recognize u behind those beautiful curls!

They honestly remind me of curly fries, which happened to be my ABSOLUTE favorite type of french fries, except for the lil thin tiny ones that are really good too! I love when they are SEASONED and then u can dip them in a mayo + katsup mixture. It is honestly yummy in my tummy. What kind of shampoo do u use? I HAVE to know. I bought this one for 99 cents and it is good but it dries my hair out and it is falling out but I can't tell if it is because of my horrible diet and overall health. :-(

OMG! R u on a ride with a motorcycle man for your upcoming video for "Ride"? I wanna go on a ride!

I actually used to ride on the back of my exBF's motorcycle. One time he got in an accident and we slid on our sides for over 1 mile. It took off the entire side layer of my skin, and even shaved off some bone. Now one of my arms is shorter than the other. #Emberressing

LANA BB! I wanna ride with u! Is that ur sister CHUCK? She looks SEXI, too! Share ur diet tips, bb!

Lady Gaga who? #TeamLanaBB
Straight Hair who? #TeamCurls!

My hair is gross, nappy and frizzy. I DEFANATELY need to go to Super Cuts soon to get something done!

Lana Del Rey's new 10 minute video is for the anthemic song "Ride", a tribute to the spirit of America... which according to Lana Del Rey is getting slammed in a series of seedy bars and motel rooms by old, gross men who see her as nothing more than a slam pig. The song is beautiful, but in a way, maybe it is because it is giving old, disgusting, white, gross whore-buying men hope that even when they are old, they can find a young, troubled girl to 'give it 2' without any restraints or limitations.

You have to give Lana Del Rey props for executing a magnificent artistic vision... even if that vision is only about getting fondled by a series of old, gross men.

She lives by the motto 'Ride'. And ride she does... (a series of gross old men).

She is a lost soul, nomadic, searching for love and feelings anywhere... even if those love and feelings enter her while she is bent over a pinball machine by a man who hasn't bathed in ~6 days.

She understands the creative Willy Lomans of the world, giving us hope that one day, we will find happiness.

I'll never forget the first time an older man had his way with me in a motel room.

Ride. Just Ride.

Ew! Gross! Get Ryan Gosling in here or something! I feel like I have to take a bath after watching this video, like the sweat, grime and semen of old, gross biker dudes is all over me and inside of me. Gross! Take that American flag off, Lana BB! Grosssss. Ughhh.

Has Lana created a new American masterpiece?
R u grossed out?
Do u want to take a bath?
R u tired of her aesthetics?
Does she still sing like Betty Boop?
Is LDR 'better than Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Rihanna'?
R u going to morph into a gross, fat biker dude so that you can make LDR fall in love with u?
Did LDR just take a 'huge shit' all over the spirit of America?

I remember it like it was yesterday. Lana Del Rey went on Saturday Night Live and TANKED. It was a huge meme, and every1 acted like it was 'the end of the world' and people pretended that their opinion on the TANKING mattered. Now, the blogosphere has been desperate to 'create' another Lana Del Rey, even though it can't really happen bc any1 who sounds/looks relatively buzzworthy is picked up by a label/PR firm that can't organically manufacture 'internet controversy.'

Now Lana Del Rey is rich, mainstream famous (not just blog famous) and tons of ghey/tolerant tweens everywhere love her. I didn't really watch this song, I just assume that she is still as bad as her first SNL performance where she was all nervous and didn't even sing well and had no confidence. Maybe she turned it around, but I am not really 'connected' enough to even know any more.

I guess she tanked, but at the end of the day, maybe we can learn a lot from LDR... just ride, yall... just ride.

Did Lana TANK again?
Is LDR 'over'?
Is LDR 'just beginning'?
Do u miss the glory days of the Lana Del Report?
Did LDR ruin internet music culture bc she was a meme that shined 2 bright?
Do u JUST RIDE?

PREVIOUSLY
Lana Del Rey EFFING TANKS on SNL. Is her career 'effing over'?

Lana Del Ray might be the most buzzworthy new artist of 2k11 so far. I have seen her product/image getting buzzed, and it seems like 'all of the right mainstream and alt forces' are getting behind it, and she is destined to become the next 'leading lady of indie.' Her songs seem alright, like she has a good voice. Her music videos execute a 'modern lofi sample-based' aesthetic, but more importantly remind us that 'she is kinda hot.'

I feel like she has way more upside than Lykke Li because a) she is an American AND b) she is more 'directly pretty.' (Sometimes u get scared that Lykke Li/Robyn will turn into a monster if they are under the wrong lighting). That's what I love about new female in artists (mainstream OR indie)... we accept them based on their looks. The male blogosphere wants Lana Del Ray to succeed because she is 'hot.' She will show off her thick lips, curvy body, voluminou hair. She will sing in her 'swaggy white girl' voice. She will make music videos that trick ppl into thinking that she is 'cool.' One day we will be in the VIP area of a music festival with her, and tweet abt how 'SHE IS SO MUCH PRETTIER IN PERSON.'

I enjoy new female artists because it allows us 2 ask the question: "Do female artists like Lana Del Rey succeed based on 'talent' or are 'looks' more important than we would like to admit, even in our beloved indiesphere?"

I am not sure what her record label situation is, but I would guess she will go with the 'indie major' which is probably 'the right choice' as Cults proved. Her album will be plastered all over ads on blogs. Bros will put her songs on meaningful mix CDs for their girls, just so that girls can 'think they are deep' while they hear a comforting female voice.

Every rising artist needs a gimmick that every music journalist will ask her about for the duration of their album cycle. DID U KNOW LANA DEL REY LIVED IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER?

Pitchfork: Your dad is a successful domain investor, but I read that you were living in a trailer park a few years ago. Do you fetishize that trailer park lifestyle?

LDR: My dad is an entrepreneur and an innovator. Being an entrepreneur doesn't make you a rich tycoon and being an innovator doesn't mean that you're successful. It just means that you’re interesting. No one cares that I lived in a park-- Dad loves trailers and is getting one in the Everglades. My first record label gave me a small check and I moved into a park near Manhattan. It's not something I cared to even share but people keep asking me about it. My songs are cinematic so they seem to reference a glamorous era or fetishize certain lifestyles, but that's not my aim. I'm not trying to create an image or a persona. I’m just singing because that’s what I know how to do.

Create an image 4 us, bb! Ur music isn't THAT important 2 us... Believe!

I am really excited to read tons of interviews that ask her about her white trash/trailer trash lifestyle LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

Do u vibe 2 her music and videos? Is she getting 'too much buzz'? Will she break the 9.0 barrier on her first album? Is she just a 'pretty face' in front of a talented producer?

I think there are a lot of females in indie who are way less appealing to look at AND don't have a voice that is theoretically as 'good' as hers, so I guess she deserves 2 'be in the club.' With all female artists, we want them to sing girly songs. I think that Lana Del Ray might be the 'great female hope' in indie, to try to reclaim the glory that Feist has lost.

Here is some post from some random MTV blog that perfectly embodies the generic buzz forces that are hypeballing Lana Del Rey to 'such buzzworthy heights':

If you haven't heard of Lana Del Rey, YOU WILL SOON because we are convinced that this gorgeous crooner is going to be everywhere ASAP, like basically by the time this post is published. ZOMG she is so important. Anyway, this self-proclaimed "gangster Nancy Sinatra" embodies the best of strong, sculpted eyebrows, bump-its + hairsprayed tonsorial PERFECTION, and we can SO vividly picture her swanning out of a beautiful Hollywood Hills house with a kidney bean-shaped swimming pool in an ultramarine nylon mini shift and white patent leather go-go boots.

AND a big-ass dookie rope chain and gold hoops. She is also, obviously, drinking something out of a martini glass. She describes her sound as "Hollywood Pop/Sad Core" and uuuuuuum #sadcore is VERY up our alley. The enormously satisfying juxtaposition of old-school glamour plus inexplicably morose contemporary images in her music video plus super-duper prettiness is completely blowing our minds.

We can't get enough of her video for "Video Games" because not only are our ears oh so happy with her Florence meets Cat Power meets A Fine Frenzy melodies, but we also really need more retro off-the-shoulder sweaters in our lives and closets. Thankfully, we're positive that this isn't the last we've seen of Lana. And PRAISE BE, because her style strikes such a unique and perfect balance between classic beauty and refreshingly unexpected (do you have EYEBALLS? Are you SEEING that top made COMPLETELY of roses/carnations/I'm not a horticulturist???) that is just so ready for its place in the sun. Now run along and entertain yourselves for a while with the video below while we go dig up some hot rollers and lip venom. Swooooooooooooooooon.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE beautiful women in buzzbands!

I just wanna meet her in VIP, get lost in her eyes/lips/curves...

In addition, I think her twitter has 'Best Coast' potential. It might be one of those unfiltered trainwrecks that we get to watch every day.

What a sweetie! I <3 @pitchforkmedia, 2!

Best case scenario, she 'livens up' the female indie scene, talks shit about other bands, gets other females in indie 'mad jealous' of her. Girls h8 when they are no longer the 'pretty new girl.' Then Lana BB will go on to 'cross over', becoming richer than 99% of females in buzzbands, and 'never looks back' on the crappy world of female buzzsingers who h8 her so much. The blogosphere can continue to like her for too long based on the 'WE CREATED HER AND WE ARE NOT LETTING HER GO' theory.

Is she the new perfect alt female aesthetic?

"I can't wait to hang this poster in my room!" -a girl / hornie bro who reads too many indie blogs

Has she catapulted to the 'top of the indie female charts', even above Feist?

Should she just start releasing bikini photos instead of mp3s?

Is Lana Del Rey's music vaguely meaningful enough to appeal to women?
Are all female solo artists in music just 'manufactured' and 'marketed based on their looks'?
Will every male blogger in the world overvalue her, just based on her looks?
Is she destined to become the next female indie music + fashion icon?
Is she way better than Lykke Li / St Vincent already?
Is Lana Del Rey the 'final nail in the coffin' for St. Vincent's career?
Has she surpassed Alice Glass / Vicki LeGrand / Maddie Follin levels?
Is her gimmick 'fresh', 'stale' or 'whatever'?
How do u feel abt the forces that create a buzzband?
Does it seem 'fair and balanced' or 'arbitrary' and 'based on random bullshit'?
Is Lana Del Rey TOTALLY HOT?

Oh Lana BB... No 1 has put a spell like this on me since Regine...

R u on #TeamLana, or r u a #LanaH8R?

"Go play ur video games, bb..."
-a lamestreamer on Facebook trying to be 'deep', 'singing' lyrics from her fave new female artist

Last week, the Lana Del Rey'controversy'/'conspiracy' gave internet blogs tons of hits [link]. We discovered her dark past as a normal human named "Elizabeth Lizzie Grant." She also played her 'first show.' While she will probably go in2 dormancy while the Wizard of Oz-like record label execs decide what her next move should be, it doesn't mean we can't stop milking her meme.

WHAT SHOULD LANA DEL REY'S NICKNAME BE?

What should her OFFICIAL nickname be?

Thanks 2 all the suggestions from twitter + theFaceBook.

Oh Lizzie... I miss the real U...

Lana Del Rey is 2k11's #1 human meme, widely regarded as indie's #1 whore maven who is using her voice, but more importantly, her body in order to turn heads and get all eyes on her. Her new video "Born To Die" is meme fuel that could start any meme fire, complete with tigers, blood, nudity, an alt dude with a face tat, murder, rape, barely legal sex, and a tiger-on-human beastiality sex scene. I'm not sure if all of those are actually in there, but u have to assume that Lana Del Rey would do anything 4 the hits.

The video starts with some sort of metaphor abt America and how in the future, we will all be impregnated by dudes with face tats and our babies will come out with face tats pre-loaded on their head [via Punnett Squares].

Then we learn that Lana Del Rey actually isn't human. She lives in some sort of virtual cathedral with fake tigers.

We learn that she is 'going steady' with face tat bro. She is wearing a frilly jacket and some super HOT cut off shorts that showcase one of her best assets: the #1 a$$ in indie?

Sweet Sassy Molassy! What a bod!

She makes me feel like I'm living a teenage dream... [via getting fingerbanged in public places]

I wonder if Lana Del Rey will eventually have fresh flowers surgically applied 2 her skull.

In one of the most emotional moments of the video, she pleads with her boyfriend to 'stop playing yooo VEEEHDEEOOHHHHGHAAAMESSS.'

Lana Del Rey is attempting to break free from mainstream 'bitches who have a quirky voice' by singing about adult themes, such as sex, drugs, and dudes with face tattoos fingerbanging you in the vicinity of your parents' car.

Of course, Lana Del Rey is so obsessed with 'creating the meme' even if it doesn't have an artistic link to her content. This means that the face tat dude eventually holds a bloodied, dead Lana Del Rey.

I guess they had to 'rip off' the gore of the M.I.A. ginger genocide video in order to fully execute 'sex + violence'.

Did this video 'rip off'Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream"?

The video seems like a less ambitious iteration of this 'relationship lives and dies while driving in a car' video.

Does Lana Del Rey have our attn?
Does she have it 4 the right/wrong reasons?
Does she look BANGIN in the video?
Were we all born 2 die?
Is this the greatest music video of the year?
Is she the greatest artist evr?
R u hornie 4 Lana?
Did u lose ur virginity in/on a car
What piece of her do u want? [via fried chicken metaphors]

In order to adapt to changing editorial demands, we will be transitioning this site to become a dedicated Lana Del Rey content farm and news+gossip outlet blog. This means all Lana, all the time. After last weekend's SNL performance [link to complete analysis], it is clear that Lana Del Rey is a human meme that will be around for a long time, generating mad hits eternally, and we would like to be at the forefront of Del-Rey-related hits by establishing our site as the 'Go-To destination' for all things LDR.

Welcome to a new era.
Welcome the The Lana Del Report.

I have a blog called HIPSTER RUNOFF. Every day, I wake up, open my laptop, and type words that are stored in the internet as ‘content.’ My goal is to ‘get as many hits’ as possible because I metaphorically ‘have mouths to feed.’ I realize that at this point, it doesn’t matter if my content is ‘premium’, pseudo-brilliantly written web_prose or just ‘link-bait-wave,’ I was fortunate enough to not have gotten lost in the ‘long tail’ of indie music + Gen-Y-opinion-driven coverage blogs. Every day, I prey upon different buzz topics, exploiting my voice, but more importantly, my position as a ‘recognized outlet 4 buzz’ to try to trick people into thinking I am ‘relevant’, which basically just means that I am trying to make ppl talk abt my blog and get them addicted to my web brand even if they hate it because even when they are like ‘OMG THAT’S TOTAL BULLSHIT’ it is just some sort of post-grassroots-h8-wave-warketing.

My goal as a website is to ‘be the ass hole who pointlessly interjects himself into the conversation’ without being as overtly annoying as ‘the ass hole who always pointless interjects himself into the conversation.’

Lana Del Rey is the perfect buzz topic, and I’ll never forget the times we shared in late 2k11 and early 2k12. I honestly do wish the best for her career, not because I have a rooting interest in her/care about her as a person, but because Lana Del Rey is an important search term to refer viewers to my website.

Sometimes I wonder, when it’s all said and done, and the internet is deleted, will I only be remembered as “The Guy Who Invented Chillwave?”

It feels like Lana Del Rey was sent down from the buzz heavens, God’s way to save us from the well-documented buzz drought that has plagued us since early 2k10. Some blamed the buzzbands for not putting out solid mp3s. They said that there were not enough buzzworthy bands 2 authentically buzz and that buzz was being misappropriated unfairly due to blogosphere favors and the fear of hurting the feelings of legacy, past-their-prime buzzbands. In the post-LDR bubble burst world, we are finally able to see what caused the buzz drought: it was the bloggers, the writers, the content farmers, and the implosion of the sub-prime buzzing crisis that has been the expanding crack in the foundation the indie blogging and content farming infrastructure since as far back as 2k8.5.

LanaBB officially redefined the core competencies of the ‘indie blogosphere.’

We used to be tastemakers. We used to be regulators. We used to be trustworthy. We used to be a valuable resource. Lana made it okay for us to post magazine covers. Lana Del Rey was pretty enough to post even the most irrelevant performance video. For the first time, Lana Del Rey took indie blogs over ‘the edge’, and made it okay for us to speculate about her physical appearance, which is way more interesting than trying to figure out if her artistic ambitions are ‘relevant’/pure. Basically, Lana Del Rey finally marginalized ‘the decently-enough-thought-out opinion piece’ into a worthless meme that any one could poop out.

#LDRSNL marked another maturation/retardation milestone for ‘online indie journalism’, bringing the indie blogosphere from a humble place that posted MP3s with generally positive/neutral commentary, and flung us right into the generalist meme-blurb content farm spotlight. We scrambled like enslaved content farmers, minutes after the performance to preserve our Google rank with a perfectly placed headline. We were ready to chew up and spit out memes, finally ‘graduating to the big leagues’ with a ‘big boy meme’, not just some other over-written ‘spotlight’ on a group of poor dudes from Brooklyn who were ToTtaLLY wErTh ChEcKiNg OuT and/or the typical ‘no one cares--what happened to REAL music?’ reaction pieces to said buzzband.

Buzz experts truly believe that Lana Del Rey is the last artist/band that the network of indie blog buzz will have a role in ‘hyping.’ The happy days of the AnCo 2k9 buzzosphere are long gone, and we all cannot just get along. After Lana Del Rey, we live in a hypeless world where we trust no outlet, now that we have finally seen the hype apocalypse because the LDR snake-eating-its-own-tail cycle has finally ended, and the sum is “-0” [via undefined]. Readers who once thought that they were reading organic, farm-grown content will feel misled, angry, and betrayed by the warped context of blogs.

I’ll admit that as a blog, I am obsessed, and probably over-estimate the impact of ‘modern web media’ on ‘reality.’ But it seems like LDR was a blogosphere ‘passion project’ that we incubated, and got to ‘tear down’ for the sake of generating, controlling, and commenting our own content. We enjoyed it, sorta like while u r stroking ur peen, but then u finally ‘effing blow’, and you are not sure whether you should admit ‘how good’ it felt. After #LDRSNL, no one is sure who has control of the #LDR meme any more. It was her viking meme funeral, even if she goes on to achieve mad sales in Europe/decent sales in America.

“Where r u Lizzy Grant? R u okay? I swear, I care about you. Blogs r mean. :-(”
-some blog with female readers

LDR should probably make other alt famous humans and upcoming buzz humans incredibly nervous, because the silent agreement of ‘pandering’ to indie celebs is over. The concept Indie celebrity may or may not exist, but a successful blog now must realize that the way indie blogs ‘baby’ the ‘alt famous’ in order to preserve relationships can no longer exist. Mudslinging will be beneficial to both parties. Maybe after LDR, it will no longer be a good idea to be ‘an anonymous’ project because then dumb blogs will just use Google to construct an unfair narrative for you.

I think the most interesting/most-covered story to come out of the #LDRSNL tank job was the ‘widely read and covered’ story about the guy who invented Gawker and revolutionized modern content farming, Nick Denton, publishing a private email from famous NBC newsanchor Brian Williams for the sake of ‘winning hits’ and introducing the Gawker web-brand to non-readers. In the email, NBC Nightly news anchor Brian Wiliams basically just says LDR is a disgrace, but I guess it is ‘interesting’ because he works for NBC, or something. His commentary on ‘her’ as a ‘person’ is as arbitrary & worthless as yours or mine, but the keyword synergy behind the story is ‘so money’ and it ‘doesn’t even know it’, except Gawker’s genius content farm editor has a sixth sense for virality that most crappy bloggers will never have. A.J. Daulerio will always be remembered as one of the Founding Fathers of Modern Content Farming.

As I struggle to deal with my own periodic content farm existential crises, I wish I could have just invented Gawker. We could’ve had it all. Rolling in the deep pool of unique visitors.

In no way is the ‘conversion of blogs to content farms’ and ‘the secret corporate nature of indie blogs’ a fresh, relevant, or innovative ‘take’. I am just trying to share my view from inside the meme prison with you. Lana Del Rey and I are on this content farm together sort of like we are the last and only two humans left on Earth. We hate eachother, but at the same time we need eachother to stay alive. There will never be any sort of cathartic epiphany where we admit wrong-doing, nor will there ever be a genuine reconciliation. We will never have what feels like a ‘real’ relationship with Lana Del Rey.

Where does ‘the modern media’s relationship’ with Lana Del Rey go from here?

Unfortunately for indie bloggers, it is back to posting dumb MP3s and serving as a well-crafted PR blast for bands that every1 already knows about. As ‘writers’/people who publish text to webpages on the internet, can we be so sure that another meme comet like Lana Del Rey will come again in our lifetime? Will we sit on our porch, every day looking up at the sky, wondering if another Lana will come by... Or this this our final chance to ‘commit suicide’ with other members of our stupid cult in an effort to be transported into the buzz spaceship that is trailing in the tail of the comet [via Heaven’s Gate/Marshall Applewhite vibes]?

Why do we keep going?
Why do we keep farming in the name of blogging in the name of writing?

In the name of authentic music journalism? What more in the name of authentic music journalism.
-Bono [via U2]

Online publishing is ‘relatively new’ [via long-term historical contexts]. I guess this is just a natural part of the maturation process of the beloved idea of the indie blogosphere. But who even wants to be a part of indie blog farming any more?

Even the most ‘talented’ people who ‘write things on the internet that are actually worth reading’ and/or are reduced to farm fodder. Every character of a writer, blog, or content farm’s 140 character or less tweet is cringe-worthy, 100% worth resenting. Part of me feels ‘confused’ as to why any one would even want to ‘be a music writer’, or write about bands/humans/music on the internet. It takes a warped personality to believe that any one ‘gives a damn about what you and ur crappy website’ thinks, unless you are being paid handsomely for it, then you can sort of approach it like a desk job. It will dehumanize you every day, but at least it pays the bills.

Who is ‘actually passionate’ about ‘how they feel about Lana Del Rey’? It doesn’t matter if you are writing an ‘IN DEFENSE OF LANA DEL REY’ or if you are writing a hilarious and/or insightful web culture + societal takedown piece that accurately deconstructs #LDRgate with an original angle. We all have the same motive. Can 1 voice really shift an entire conversation? What the eff do u think ur gonna tastemake? Do u think u can really make another LDR? Those days are gone, child. We’ve peaked. It’s over. The machine’s broken. Somebody call the Geek Squad.

I am on the edge. I no longer believe in blog evolution. I no longer believe in buzz creationism. I am a believer in buzz intelligent design.

It is interesting to think that there is a generation who even finds these memes to be ‘interesting’ enough to think that they want to be a part of the indiesphere discussion. Do they think the can ‘save’ it by showing us cool, new bands? Do they think they can save us from the content farming doom? Do they think that they can reverse the impact of social media on the speedy, link-baiting nature of all websites, designed to ‘get a good jump on’ SEO?

The indie blogosphere is over the hill. Our opinions are old, tired, uninspired. The next generation will follow our lead, continuing to turn things into poo, inspired by the biased outlook on indie celebrity and relevance that we portrayed to them for years. There is nothing worth saving. Everything is COMPLETELY EFFED, but it will keep going, and we will keep writing that it is COMPLETELY EFFED, but no1 really cares and there isn’t really anything to fix so I guess maybe we should act like it is a beautiful indie film and find ‘happiness and peace’ with that truth.

It is all just sort of just ‘funnie’ but also ‘sad.’ Are the dreams in which Lana Del Rey is dying on the stage of SNL = the best we’ve ever had?

Lana Del Rey saw it coming. We all saw it coming.

In the post-LDR blogging era, I feel free to openly admit that I don’t care about honoring ‘bands that sound good’. The opinions that I have on bands are not actually my own, and my goal is not to preserve a relationship with readers or bands/artists based on editorial pandering. All I can do is ‘go down in flames’ with my sweet, Princess LanaBB. My demented online personality that motivates me to type these words in order to accumulate hits, empathy, praise, and controversy does not have much time left.

Wag The Blog.

Cultural criticism on the internet is dying because we finally realized that the voices behind blogs, twitter feeds, and authentic writing outlets are as fat, bored, uninspired, and jealous as the fat, bored, uninspired, and jealous voices that we thought we had escaped from.

I am not a writer. I am not a blogger. I am a content farmer. These words mean more to the Google robot than they do 2 u. There is nothing exciting about writing, tweeting, or sharing opinions. I do not want to inspire any one to follow me into this dark prison, surrounded by a pile of memes, while I must sort thru them and spin them as ‘meaningful’, ‘interesting’, or whatever else will generate a pageview.

Lana & Me had it all. I’ll look back and think about what I could have done differently. But I'll also think about how beautiful our effed up relationship was and how it some how 'just worked.'

To music and indie purists, Lizzy Grant is the AntiChrist.
To indie modernists and loveslaves of internet content, Lana Del Rey is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Having said that, Lana Del Rey hit a GRAND SLAM on SNL. U did it, BB! I am proud of u. U took 1 for ‘the team’, and now we’re all gonna go to Pizza Hut after the game to celebrate. C U THERE. Let’s share a pitcher of Pepsi. We deserve it. We worked hard.

Is Lana Del Rey indie’s ‘Rebecca Black moment’?
Is LDR ‘not even a big deal’?
Do all buzz humans die?
What’s ur fave content farm?
What’s the future of indie blogosphere?
Do u generally feel ‘who cares’ abt it all?
Do u mainly load webpages ‘out of habit’ not rlly because the site emotionally resonates with u?
If u thought LDR album cycle #1 was fun, are you PUMPED for album cycle #2 in 2-3 years?
Does LDR 'have it all' or 'have nothing'?
Do u <3 LDR for emancipating us from being farm slaves?
Can the farm become self-ware [via skynet]?
Where is Lana Del Rey right now?

"The Great Lana Del Rey Meme Harvest" by Carles

Set to the tune of Garth Brooks'"The Dance"
</embed>

Looking back on the memory of
The Lana Del Rey meme harvest we shared on all the content farms
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye?

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
U could have missed the pain, cyberbullying and slutshaming
But I'd of had to miss the great Lana Del Rey meme harvest

Memeing you, I memed everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know... I might have changed it all...

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go [via SNL]
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the Lana Del Rey meme harvest
Yes my bloglife is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the Great Lana Del Rey meme harvest

Luv u Lana. Mean it. <3 :-*

Sometimes I feel like a slave 2 the content
a true piggybacker
knowing that I will only have 1 moment 2 shine
This is it.

It is my right as an internet user
2 share my own vision on a topic that is #trending
adding cultural commentary
because I exist at the intersection of culture and culture

I am a content creator
Sometimes I feel like the star of the most interesting, comical, enlightening viral video of all time
called 'Shit That I Say'

I will share this link with my friends
they will give me kind feedback on it
Most of them will simply 'LIKE' it to avoid having to actually comment on it
Because I make them cringe, not just because I am legitimately 'not funny'
but because I am just 'trying so goddamned hard'

I am a hipster basher
I am an LDR basher
I am a ____ basher
Bashy McBashBashing is the Purest Art Form

On the internet, no1 is a spectator
We are all living, breathing, creating culture
Providing valuable cultural commentary
Which will exist in the cloud until #SOPA2: The Legend of Meme Gold

Capitalizing on tricky titles and manipulated search rank
in order to get 'mad views' from confused tweens who are Google infants

Sometimes I wonder
if we are all in an eternal youtube video
entitled
'Shit Ppl Who are Trying 2 Go Viral Say'

But srsly
that first video was kinda funny
if u r in2
Street Fighter 2 humor #Ryu #Blanka

Were any of these videos 'funnie' or were they all 'effing terrible'?

Lana Del Rey is a popular singer who rose from the internet some time in 2011. She's sold millions of records, made billions of dollars, and toured the finest venues in the world. But could that stop her from TANKING at Lollapalooza? Miss Dell Ray found herself TANKING as hard as one could possibly tank for all of the Midwestern independent Music Fans who had made their annual pilgrimage to Grant Park in downtown Chicago, IL.

Sporting an 'abuela muumuu', popular in Hispanic communities, Del Rey never found the passion, spirit, wisdom, or prowess of an abuela. The singer was once considered a fashion icon.

Internet critics all over the internet are #cyberbullying the performance, inspiring a wave of 'think pieces' about gender, music, society, and the breakdown of the music industry.

Del Rey, 29, struggled to find her voice on stage. The crowd of rabid fans often outsung her, and continued to yell, "Lana" at her, despite her real name being "Elizabeth Grant." It was a dark day for Lollapalooza. The Chicago based festival hadn't seen a tanking this huge since failed rapper Donald Glover's tragic performance in 2011.

Del Rey even brought out the classic "Video Games." Unfortunately, fans wished they were instead at home actually playing their XBOX360 instead of being at a music festival. Do u wish u were there 2 sing with #LDR?

The only people with summertime sadness at the festival were people who had to see Lana Del Rey.

Most fans wanted to RIDE away from the festival after hearing so many lamestreamers singing Lana Del Rey songs.

An old bystander at the festival saw her headband and yelled, "Get off the stage, hippie." The same man went on to explain that Barrack Obama was 'not his President.'

It's a sad day for Lollapalooza and fans of music everywhere.

Did Lana Del Rey TANK?
Did u go 2 Lollypaleezee?
Do u wish u were there 2 sing with "Lana BB"?
Were 2 many ppl singing?
Is Lollapalooza some sort of 'cultural arts fair' for Midwestern ppl?

Remember these days/these cultural memes?

PREVIOUSLY

Lana Del Rey EFFING TANKS on SNL. Is her career 'effing over'?

Lana BB! Is that u @ Target? (I call it Tar-gzay bc it is much fancier than WalMart).

I think that Target is right by my apartment! I actually used to work there. Well, I actually just wore a red shirt and walked around helping ppl because I thought if I did a good enough job, they would hire me. It is very hard to get a job when you are arrested bc ur stupid exBF turned ur apartment into a meth lab. It honestly stays on your record what feels like FOREVER (30 years).

I love shopping at Target, except it is a lil bit pricey 4 me. It honestly sucks to shop at WalMart, but at least they make good clothes for great big Fatty McFatFats like me. Most of their clothes come with a very COMFY and FUNCTIONAL elastic waistband. It honestly helps me be more #active and #fit.

The truth is, no 1 will EVER love me when I'm no longer young and beautaful because I never really was beautaful when I was young. I honestly think I have an undiagnosed thyroid problem that allows me to retain lots of water weight. It makes me sad 2 think that I was born 2 die, tho. <3 #ThankULana

BBy! I need a fan too! I live in an apt without air conditioner. My landlord said he would get me a window unit, but he is a LIAR. I honestly sweat me ASS OFF, but at the same time, I think it helps me loose weight. In a way, my house is sorta like a #sauna. #VIP #jetsetter #rich #famous #fancie

But I srsly have a question 4 u. Do u know what I'm supposed 2 do if I have SUMMERTIME SADNESS all year long? #Depressed

U look good LDR BB! Gaga who? #teamlana
Kitty Perry who? #TeamLDR I'm gonna hear U roar, LanaBB!

Let's meetup at Target sometime. They have Pizza Hut there. #yum

Lana Del Rey's new 10 minute video is for the anthemic song "Ride", a tribute to the spirit of America... which according to Lana Del Rey is getting slammed in a series of seedy bars and motel rooms by old, gross men who see her as nothing more than a slam pig. The song is beautiful, but in a way, maybe it is because it is giving old, disgusting, white, gross whore-buying men hope that even when they are old, they can find a young, troubled girl to 'give it 2' without any restraints or limitations.

You have to give Lana Del Rey props for executing a magnificent artistic vision... even if that vision is only about getting fondled by a series of old, gross men.

She lives by the motto 'Ride'. And ride she does... (a series of gross old men).

She is a lost soul, nomadic, searching for love and feelings anywhere... even if those love and feelings enter her while she is bent over a pinball machine by a man who hasn't bathed in ~6 days.

She understands the creative Willy Lomans of the world, giving us hope that one day, we will find happiness.

I'll never forget the first time an older man had his way with me in a motel room.

Ride. Just Ride.

Ew! Gross! Get Ryan Gosling in here or something! I feel like I have to take a bath after watching this video, like the sweat, grime and semen of old, gross biker dudes is all over me and inside of me. Gross! Take that American flag off, Lana BB! Grosssss. Ughhh.

Has Lana created a new American masterpiece?
R u grossed out?
Do u want to take a bath?
R u tired of her aesthetics?
Does she still sing like Betty Boop?
Is LDR 'better than Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Rihanna'?
R u going to morph into a gross, fat biker dude so that you can make LDR fall in love with u?
Did LDR just take a 'huge shit' all over the spirit of America?

I remember it like it was yesterday. Lana Del Rey went on Saturday Night Live and TANKED. It was a huge meme, and every1 acted like it was 'the end of the world' and people pretended that their opinion on the TANKING mattered. Now, the blogosphere has been desperate to 'create' another Lana Del Rey, even though it can't really happen bc any1 who sounds/looks relatively buzzworthy is picked up by a label/PR firm that can't organically manufacture 'internet controversy.'

Now Lana Del Rey is rich, mainstream famous (not just blog famous) and tons of ghey/tolerant tweens everywhere love her. I didn't really watch this song, I just assume that she is still as bad as her first SNL performance where she was all nervous and didn't even sing well and had no confidence. Maybe she turned it around, but I am not really 'connected' enough to even know any more.

I guess she tanked, but at the end of the day, maybe we can learn a lot from LDR... just ride, yall... just ride.

Did Lana TANK again?
Is LDR 'over'?
Is LDR 'just beginning'?
Do u miss the glory days of the Lana Del Report?
Did LDR ruin internet music culture bc she was a meme that shined 2 bright?
Do u JUST RIDE?

PREVIOUSLY
Lana Del Rey EFFING TANKS on SNL. Is her career 'effing over'?

Lana Del Rey is a popular singer who rose from the internet some time in 2011. She's sold millions of records, made billions of dollars, and toured the finest venues in the world. But could that stop her from TANKING at Lollapalooza? Miss Dell Ray found herself TANKING as hard as one could possibly tank for all of the Midwestern independent Music Fans who had made their annual pilgrimage to Grant Park in downtown Chicago, IL.

Sporting an 'abuela muumuu', popular in Hispanic communities, Del Rey never found the passion, spirit, wisdom, or prowess of an abuela. The singer was once considered a fashion icon.

Internet critics all over the internet are #cyberbullying the performance, inspiring a wave of 'think pieces' about gender, music, society, and the breakdown of the music industry.

Del Rey, 29, struggled to find her voice on stage. The crowd of rabid fans often outsung her, and continued to yell, "Lana" at her, despite her real name being "Elizabeth Grant." It was a dark day for Lollapalooza. The Chicago based festival hadn't seen a tanking this huge since failed rapper Donald Glover's tragic performance in 2011.

Del Rey even brought out the classic "Video Games." Unfortunately, fans wished they were instead at home actually playing their XBOX360 instead of being at a music festival. Do u wish u were there 2 sing with #LDR?

The only people with summertime sadness at the festival were people who had to see Lana Del Rey.

Most fans wanted to RIDE away from the festival after hearing so many lamestreamers singing Lana Del Rey songs.

An old bystander at the festival saw her headband and yelled, "Get off the stage, hippie." The same man went on to explain that Barrack Obama was 'not his President.'

It's a sad day for Lollapalooza and fans of music everywhere.

Did Lana Del Rey TANK?
Did u go 2 Lollypaleezee?
Do u wish u were there 2 sing with "Lana BB"?
Were 2 many ppl singing?
Is Lollapalooza some sort of 'cultural arts fair' for Midwestern ppl?

Remember these days/these cultural memes?

PREVIOUSLY

Lana Del Rey EFFING TANKS on SNL. Is her career 'effing over'?

Lana BB! Is that u @ Target? (I call it Tar-gzay bc it is much fancier than WalMart).

I think that Target is right by my apartment! I actually used to work there. Well, I actually just wore a red shirt and walked around helping ppl because I thought if I did a good enough job, they would hire me. It is very hard to get a job when you are arrested bc ur stupid exBF turned ur apartment into a meth lab. It honestly stays on your record what feels like FOREVER (30 years).

I love shopping at Target, except it is a lil bit pricey 4 me. It honestly sucks to shop at WalMart, but at least they make good clothes for great big Fatty McFatFats like me. Most of their clothes come with a very COMFY and FUNCTIONAL elastic waistband. It honestly helps me be more #active and #fit.

The truth is, no 1 will EVER love me when I'm no longer young and beautaful because I never really was beautaful when I was young. I honestly think I have an undiagnosed thyroid problem that allows me to retain lots of water weight. It makes me sad 2 think that I was born 2 die, tho. <3 #ThankULana

BBy! I need a fan too! I live in an apt without air conditioner. My landlord said he would get me a window unit, but he is a LIAR. I honestly sweat me ASS OFF, but at the same time, I think it helps me loose weight. In a way, my house is sorta like a #sauna. #VIP #jetsetter #rich #famous #fancie

But I srsly have a question 4 u. Do u know what I'm supposed 2 do if I have SUMMERTIME SADNESS all year long? #Depressed

U look good LDR BB! Gaga who? #teamlana
Kitty Perry who? #TeamLDR I'm gonna hear U roar, LanaBB!

Let's meetup at Target sometime. They have Pizza Hut there. #yum

Lana Del Ray might be the most buzzworthy new artist of 2k11 so far. I have seen her product/image getting buzzed, and it seems like 'all of the right mainstream and alt forces' are getting behind it, and she is destined to become the next 'leading lady of indie.' Her songs seem alright, like she has a good voice. Her music videos execute a 'modern lofi sample-based' aesthetic, but more importantly remind us that 'she is kinda hot.'

I feel like she has way more upside than Lykke Li because a) she is an American AND b) she is more 'directly pretty.' (Sometimes u get scared that Lykke Li/Robyn will turn into a monster if they are under the wrong lighting). That's what I love about new female in artists (mainstream OR indie)... we accept them based on their looks. The male blogosphere wants Lana Del Ray to succeed because she is 'hot.' She will show off her thick lips, curvy body, voluminou hair. She will sing in her 'swaggy white girl' voice. She will make music videos that trick ppl into thinking that she is 'cool.' One day we will be in the VIP area of a music festival with her, and tweet abt how 'SHE IS SO MUCH PRETTIER IN PERSON.'

I enjoy new female artists because it allows us 2 ask the question: "Do female artists like Lana Del Rey succeed based on 'talent' or are 'looks' more important than we would like to admit, even in our beloved indiesphere?"

I am not sure what her record label situation is, but I would guess she will go with the 'indie major' which is probably 'the right choice' as Cults proved. Her album will be plastered all over ads on blogs. Bros will put her songs on meaningful mix CDs for their girls, just so that girls can 'think they are deep' while they hear a comforting female voice.

Every rising artist needs a gimmick that every music journalist will ask her about for the duration of their album cycle. DID U KNOW LANA DEL REY LIVED IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER?

Pitchfork: Your dad is a successful domain investor, but I read that you were living in a trailer park a few years ago. Do you fetishize that trailer park lifestyle?

LDR: My dad is an entrepreneur and an innovator. Being an entrepreneur doesn't make you a rich tycoon and being an innovator doesn't mean that you're successful. It just means that you’re interesting. No one cares that I lived in a park-- Dad loves trailers and is getting one in the Everglades. My first record label gave me a small check and I moved into a park near Manhattan. It's not something I cared to even share but people keep asking me about it. My songs are cinematic so they seem to reference a glamorous era or fetishize certain lifestyles, but that's not my aim. I'm not trying to create an image or a persona. I’m just singing because that’s what I know how to do.

Create an image 4 us, bb! Ur music isn't THAT important 2 us... Believe!

I am really excited to read tons of interviews that ask her about her white trash/trailer trash lifestyle LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

Do u vibe 2 her music and videos? Is she getting 'too much buzz'? Will she break the 9.0 barrier on her first album? Is she just a 'pretty face' in front of a talented producer?

I think there are a lot of females in indie who are way less appealing to look at AND don't have a voice that is theoretically as 'good' as hers, so I guess she deserves 2 'be in the club.' With all female artists, we want them to sing girly songs. I think that Lana Del Ray might be the 'great female hope' in indie, to try to reclaim the glory that Feist has lost.

Here is some post from some random MTV blog that perfectly embodies the generic buzz forces that are hypeballing Lana Del Rey to 'such buzzworthy heights':

If you haven't heard of Lana Del Rey, YOU WILL SOON because we are convinced that this gorgeous crooner is going to be everywhere ASAP, like basically by the time this post is published. ZOMG she is so important. Anyway, this self-proclaimed "gangster Nancy Sinatra" embodies the best of strong, sculpted eyebrows, bump-its + hairsprayed tonsorial PERFECTION, and we can SO vividly picture her swanning out of a beautiful Hollywood Hills house with a kidney bean-shaped swimming pool in an ultramarine nylon mini shift and white patent leather go-go boots.

AND a big-ass dookie rope chain and gold hoops. She is also, obviously, drinking something out of a martini glass. She describes her sound as "Hollywood Pop/Sad Core" and uuuuuuum #sadcore is VERY up our alley. The enormously satisfying juxtaposition of old-school glamour plus inexplicably morose contemporary images in her music video plus super-duper prettiness is completely blowing our minds.

We can't get enough of her video for "Video Games" because not only are our ears oh so happy with her Florence meets Cat Power meets A Fine Frenzy melodies, but we also really need more retro off-the-shoulder sweaters in our lives and closets. Thankfully, we're positive that this isn't the last we've seen of Lana. And PRAISE BE, because her style strikes such a unique and perfect balance between classic beauty and refreshingly unexpected (do you have EYEBALLS? Are you SEEING that top made COMPLETELY of roses/carnations/I'm not a horticulturist???) that is just so ready for its place in the sun. Now run along and entertain yourselves for a while with the video below while we go dig up some hot rollers and lip venom. Swooooooooooooooooon.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE beautiful women in buzzbands!

I just wanna meet her in VIP, get lost in her eyes/lips/curves...

In addition, I think her twitter has 'Best Coast' potential. It might be one of those unfiltered trainwrecks that we get to watch every day.

What a sweetie! I <3 @pitchforkmedia, 2!

Best case scenario, she 'livens up' the female indie scene, talks shit about other bands, gets other females in indie 'mad jealous' of her. Girls h8 when they are no longer the 'pretty new girl.' Then Lana BB will go on to 'cross over', becoming richer than 99% of females in buzzbands, and 'never looks back' on the crappy world of female buzzsingers who h8 her so much. The blogosphere can continue to like her for too long based on the 'WE CREATED HER AND WE ARE NOT LETTING HER GO' theory.

Is she the new perfect alt female aesthetic?

"I can't wait to hang this poster in my room!" -a girl / hornie bro who reads too many indie blogs

Has she catapulted to the 'top of the indie female charts', even above Feist?

Should she just start releasing bikini photos instead of mp3s?

Is Lana Del Rey's music vaguely meaningful enough to appeal to women?
Are all female solo artists in music just 'manufactured' and 'marketed based on their looks'?
Will every male blogger in the world overvalue her, just based on her looks?
Is she destined to become the next female indie music + fashion icon?
Is she way better than Lykke Li / St Vincent already?
Is Lana Del Rey the 'final nail in the coffin' for St. Vincent's career?
Has she surpassed Alice Glass / Vicki LeGrand / Maddie Follin levels?
Is her gimmick 'fresh', 'stale' or 'whatever'?
How do u feel abt the forces that create a buzzband?
Does it seem 'fair and balanced' or 'arbitrary' and 'based on random bullshit'?
Is Lana Del Rey TOTALLY HOT?

Oh Lana BB... No 1 has put a spell like this on me since Regine...

R u on #TeamLana, or r u a #LanaH8R?

"Go play ur video games, bb..."
-a lamestreamer on Facebook trying to be 'deep', 'singing' lyrics from her fave new female artist

Last week, the Lana Del Rey'controversy'/'conspiracy' gave internet blogs tons of hits [link]. We discovered her dark past as a normal human named "Elizabeth Lizzie Grant." She also played her 'first show.' While she will probably go in2 dormancy while the Wizard of Oz-like record label execs decide what her next move should be, it doesn't mean we can't stop milking her meme.

WHAT SHOULD LANA DEL REY'S NICKNAME BE?

What should her OFFICIAL nickname be?

Thanks 2 all the suggestions from twitter + theFaceBook.

Oh Lizzie... I miss the real U...

Lana Del Rey is 2k11's #1 human meme, widely regarded as indie's #1 whore maven who is using her voice, but more importantly, her body in order to turn heads and get all eyes on her. Her new video "Born To Die" is meme fuel that could start any meme fire, complete with tigers, blood, nudity, an alt dude with a face tat, murder, rape, barely legal sex, and a tiger-on-human beastiality sex scene. I'm not sure if all of those are actually in there, but u have to assume that Lana Del Rey would do anything 4 the hits.

The video starts with some sort of metaphor abt America and how in the future, we will all be impregnated by dudes with face tats and our babies will come out with face tats pre-loaded on their head [via Punnett Squares].

Then we learn that Lana Del Rey actually isn't human. She lives in some sort of virtual cathedral with fake tigers.

We learn that she is 'going steady' with face tat bro. She is wearing a frilly jacket and some super HOT cut off shorts that showcase one of her best assets: the #1 a$$ in indie?

Sweet Sassy Molassy! What a bod!

She makes me feel like I'm living a teenage dream... [via getting fingerbanged in public places]

I wonder if Lana Del Rey will eventually have fresh flowers surgically applied 2 her skull.

In one of the most emotional moments of the video, she pleads with her boyfriend to 'stop playing yooo VEEEHDEEOOHHHHGHAAAMESSS.'

Lana Del Rey is attempting to break free from mainstream 'bitches who have a quirky voice' by singing about adult themes, such as sex, drugs, and dudes with face tattoos fingerbanging you in the vicinity of your parents' car.

Of course, Lana Del Rey is so obsessed with 'creating the meme' even if it doesn't have an artistic link to her content. This means that the face tat dude eventually holds a bloodied, dead Lana Del Rey.

I guess they had to 'rip off' the gore of the M.I.A. ginger genocide video in order to fully execute 'sex + violence'.

Did this video 'rip off'Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream"?

The video seems like a less ambitious iteration of this 'relationship lives and dies while driving in a car' video.

Does Lana Del Rey have our attn?
Does she have it 4 the right/wrong reasons?
Does she look BANGIN in the video?
Were we all born 2 die?
Is this the greatest music video of the year?
Is she the greatest artist evr?
R u hornie 4 Lana?
Did u lose ur virginity in/on a car
What piece of her do u want? [via fried chicken metaphors]